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She Who Talks to Herself.

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Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
6:32 pm - Individuality and Personality.
I want to become something.
I would say ‘emerge from the drab chrysalis of normality into the colourful splendour of individuality’, but that’s far too pleasant, and makes the process sound straightforward and natural.

I became things when I was little. The masks were so easy to change. I could be one person this week, and someone else the next.

But now we’re all grown up, and it’s time for decisions. We have responsibility for ourselves- our health, our friends, our future- and we have to choose ‘what we want to be’.

And for fear of making the wrong choice, or of donning a mask that everyone else except oneself can see doesn’t fit, we choose to remain a nothing, a nobody.

We wear T-shirts and jeans, when we want to wear beautiful clothes. We pretend to be open and neutral, when really we want to protest and shout our opinions.
We want to experiment and twist language, but stick with what we know people will understand. We want to be interesting, but dare not for fear of the scrutiny it would evoke. We want to take the opportunity, but we are afraid of ourselves; the wrong choices we risk making. We fear taking that step out of normality, and then looking like fools because we can’t match expectations.

We lack confidence. We are cowards. We will never be more than numbers in the census statistics.

Unless we close our eyes and take the step. Dare to dream

“Sometimes you wake up.
Sometimes the fall kills you.
And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”
Todd Faber, in Fables and Reflections

So what do I want to be?Collapse )

But. Things have changed a little, and though this journal was practically founded on fretting and despairing of my own nature, things are looking up.
So. After this, hopefully such frightfully unhelpful rants will be kept to a minimum. But that is not a promise.

The point of the journal? I have another bulletpoint to add to the list of years ago: To teach myself a lesson in the future. To give myself something to look back on in years to come and shudder learn from my own mistakes.

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11:04 am - Just when you thought...
Well, hello Journal. It has been some time...

"Where have you been, oh Quin? For what doxy, what harlot have you forsaken me?" You ask, and rightly so. For I have been gone far longer than either you or I expected.

But return I have, for I have found a voice (of sorts) again, and need a journal such as this to make use of it. Perhaps it is because I have begun to learn again- to put this brain back into the mode for which it was intended. Nigh on a year of decaying linguistic skills... Nearly a year with a mind slowly shutting itself down. I hope never again.
Heed the warning. Engage your mind in some challenging diversions. The power of thought is not something I wish to lose!

So what am I to do here, other than brush away the dust and cobwebs (or at least arrange them in a more pleasing fashion)? Why, I shall rant. I shall make a mockery of the English language. And I shall post such writings that I would not dare place elsewhere. For elsewhere I am most cowardly...

current mood: discontent

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Sunday, March 27th, 2005
4:06 pm - Attitude
Little did I know, all those years ago when I ‘decided’ to become an artist and drop all other subjects, how difficult it would be. I have a thousand visions and ideas- but lack the skill to realise them on paper which frustrates me no end. I would love to become an illustrator, but my style is not ‘modern’ enough. I usually try to draw things so that they are at least vaguely recognisable. Apparently this makes my style ‘dated’. I’d also love to create models, design characters in 3D- but having decided to follow a graphic design route (believing it to be more useful in gaining a career than fine art would) I’ve ensured that that is no longer an option. And after this summer I face three more years working towards a degree in Graphics. I wonder if I’ll survive it?

It seems that I have bound myself into doing something which does not particularly fill me with joy. How did that happen? I can almost predict how the next three years will run… I’ll go through, never quite climbing above average, perhaps picking up a few good skills. My drawing will improve, perhaps the ‘modern and commercial’ ideas will come a little easier after a while, and I’ll give up trying to make models, masks, draw in my own way. And at the end of it all (if I’m lucky and manage to impress someone) I’ll be shipped off to the tiring, smoggy, overcrowded capital, where I’ll be given a computer all of my very own, and a small workspace, and ten mundane, commercial pieces to complete each day, and no time to do anything else.

Yet. People keep telling me that I’m lucky to be doing what I want to do. There are people who have no A levels, let alone the chance to complete a degree. And here I am, plagued with doubt as if it were an unshakable disease, not knowing what on earth I want to do with my life, and not having the courage, inspiration or willpower simply to get out there and do something. I’ll spend a quarter of the average lifespan in education- and I don’t even know what for.

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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
4:29 pm
I do believe that there is somewhere I can exist happily in this world- it just happens to be a particularly elusive place, which I have rather slim chances of finding in my lifetime. Unless of course I choose to believe in fate which, for better or worse, I do.

I have such a love for beautiful things, yet have no beauty to give in return. I can't imagine a life without music, yet I can't play or sing anything. I enjoy reading, yet I can't compose a story, nor write with the skill I would like.
Am I living a lie? Am I stuck in an illusion that everyone but myself recognises?
More than likely, but it is the one place I seem to be able to find happiness.
These obsessions and wishes. Perhaps they're the only things keeping me from turning sane!

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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
11:07 am
I'm happy.
You can feel the autumn in the air- my favourite season is nearly here! It is just about cool enough to take up early morning jogging again (though as I'm moving into a town, that may lose some of its charm) yet not so cold that your lungs seem to freeze after a few minutes.
Berries are appearing everywhere, and the last of the roses in the garden are falling apart. I think decay can be quite beautiful, though of course- not all decay. It creates variety in colour and texture, completely changing the flowers. I find them more interesting to draw that way.

I begin a year of art this coming monday, tommorow in fact, which I am both looking forward to and dreading. It will mean I have more time to practice, but also that I will not have access to a computer, and therefore the internet; updates here will be rare (well, rarer than they have been...)
On the plus side, it means that I should actually have something to write about when I do update.

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
11:02 am - Falling Away
I find myself afraid that I'm losing whatever skills I may have had. It seems to me that I have trouble expressing what I want to say in mere words, while others can bend them to their will and create lovely observations, meaningful and well thought out, seemingly without effort (I think I shall add a few more as friends- their entries make such wonderful reading).
Perhaps I'm just tired, but it seems more than just a passing problem. Perhaps I thought I could write well, but my judgement has improved while skill has remained the same. Perhaps I just don't practice enough.
I bought myself a blank book which will serve as a journal and sketchbook for perhaps half a year, and I think that returning to the pen and paper will be good, as much if not all of my writing has been on Word, occasionally online, and I won't have that option soon.

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Sunday, July 11th, 2004
5:16 pm
And now you can't even decide!
Perhaps it would help if you realised that everyone is different. No matter what your mind is telling you, it can't possibly happen again. The chances are nearly impossible...
I just want the freedom to be who I am, and I don't want people trying to change that! So long as my life remains mine, I should be ok. So long as I get time to myself...
Stop damned well worrying about it! Life is as it is, and repeatedly posting the same concerns in livejournal is not going to change anything!

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4:21 pm
Choose a face and stick to it dear. You have too many different facets.
Good or bad, happy or sad. They're only emotions, but you make them different people. Your opinions change from day to day- your morals, your hopes, your ambitions. You dream too much and you're too caught up in different worlds in your head.
Try a good dose of reality. Try to be who you really are for a change, if you can work out what that is. Say what is on your mind, and be decisive. Don't just nod and murmur and hope it will be alright, or you'll lose yourself.

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3:50 pm
Aah, I'm so tired.
I'm tired of certain people, and I'm tired of the way they affect my life. And I'm tired of the way I let it all happen.
Why is it that I find it so hard to say No? Why is dealing with people so damn difficult? I don't want to meet up. Why is that? Perhaps I want my life to be free of these problems, which is impossible and not going to happen. Perhaps I want to stay alone. Perhaps I'm just not up to talking.
But no, I've gone and signed myself up for it... I can't take it back, nor put it off any longer, so it will happen for better or for worse.
Damn me.

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Sunday, July 4th, 2004
3:36 pm - Why write here?
So what is the point of a livejournal?
A) To keep your friends informed of your state of mind & life in general? Some of my friends don't have a computer, let alone the internet. Most of them who do, don't know about livejournals. Those few who have a livejournal don't know about this one.
B) To meet new people, share opinions and gain ideas? I suppose that might be true. I do sometimes browse other people's Ljs who have registeres as having similar interests, but I don't particularly advertise my Lj, people just seem to find it every few months... or years.
c) To keep a diary for yourself online? Yes, possibly. Though I don't really record events as such, and I already have a diary on the go. But C would be right in that it is entirely for myself.
D) You really wanted a website, but an Lj is easier & doesn't require much thought? I have a couple of webpages, and a few in the making, but I don't think an Lj is a substitute for them. I'd like to think that a bit of thought goes into my Lj- it isn't just a record of events.
E) What does that leave for E? I suppose I have an Lj to record ideas, map out my thoughts on particular subjects. I have a bad memory, so if I don't get things down in writing, I tend to forget them. It's also interesting to look back throught the entries and see how your opinions and style of writing has changed- and yes, it has changed quite a bit.
Of course, all that doesn't explain why it should be an Lj, instead of a handwritten diary. Why should I publish my thoughts to the internet? To share something? Perhaps, I'm not sure.
Of course, then comes the question- 'So what is the point of having two livejournals?
One for me, one for everyone else. One for thoughts, one for mundane daily occurances.
But really- having two Ljs is rather pointless. Why not just use this one and save the fingers from typing? Perhaps I don't want everyone to read this. But then- why is it online?
Hmm. I'm complicating things again. It takes up time, and it doesn't help anyone, so I really should grow out of it.
Lets think of something interesting to do, shall we?

current mood: Still a sore throat

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3:30 pm - And the point of this is... ?
Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...gentle
Your eyes...sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...heart warming
Your smell is...amazing
Your smile is...amazing
Your love is...unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

How interesting.

I'm listening to a 'Dune' song which has turned up on my computer somehow called 'Are you ready to Fly?'. It might just be me, but it sounds for all the world like 'are you ready to die'. Really really. I know that's of no interest to anybody but myself, but otherwise I'd be relating the events of the Leavers Ball, and that would be both depressing and much more typing. I'll get 'round to it when people have calmed down & regained their senses.

current mood: Sore Throat :-(

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Monday, June 28th, 2004
8:26 pm - Such is life...
There is nothing in the world that cannot be violated. No innocence so pure, no artefact so sacred, no belief so untouchable, that they can stand the onslaught of corruption for eternity. Revered figures fall from power, hoping to retain their former dignity, and leave the world a martyr… But the mob is always hungry, the public demanding a sacrifice. The rebels are honoured, those in power hated. It is the way of the world.
But in the midst of this ever changing mass opinion, we stand alone. Should we follow the flock, conform and blend, or should we walk away and view them from a safe distance, laughing at their mindless bleating, their senseless scurrying? We can never be far enough away from them. No matter how much we try to detach ourselves, no matter how we roar in their faces, batter their hides, flee from their presence, they always catch up, as if they sense one of their own kind. And perhaps we, lurking on the edge of existence and watching- telling ourselves that it is simply so that we can gloat, in fact sense ourselves reflected in them, and cannot leave the presence of humanity.

They tell us that everyone has their five minutes of fame, but fame is empty- brief recognition nigh on pointless. The children cry ‘I want to be famous when I grow up’, but it is a hollow existence- so what goals of individuality can we set ourselves instead? To live as we best know and love, to live apart from the petty concerns that plague the masses- fashion, football, fame… to make our own world, our own spot of pure judgement, away from all else.

There is no space left on earth, so perhaps we retreat into the mind. Retreat… It sounds as if we are fleeing, fearful and in cowardice. Perhaps not a retreat then. A place to go, that nothing can touch, clean and pure. But even there…
There is nothing in the world that cannot be violated…

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Sunday, June 27th, 2004
4:19 pm - ...*could not think of a suitably well phrased title*...
No, no, NO!
Grammar does not matter, and I need to keep telling myself that for fear of going insane. At every turn I am pursued by people who start e-mails 'uuuuuuummm, well, like', and 'like I heard that um...'. Why put a 'voiced' pause into a written letter, surely that is what punctuation is for? And these are e-mails to someone, myself, that they don't actually know.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter!
People talk like that, so why on earth should they not write like that?
Spelling is irrelevant, so long as the meaning is clear.
English often isn't their first language. Sometimes it is, but they just don't seem to know it.
Argh! I wish I wasn't so picky... It just grates on the nerves after you open the twentieth e-mail on a Sunday morning and within one glance can tell that it will take longer to decipher than reply to.
Grammar and spelling do not matter...
Grammar and spelling do not matter...
Damn- I can't complain. My spelling and grammar is bad, but I try.

Perhaps I've just got my priorities and perceptions in a twist again. In which case, I shall end up hitting earth again in a few days time, with a headache, and a better sense of reality. Unless I'm already...
No, too much to think about and not enough brain to think it with. I think I need a holiday. Let's start another book.

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Monday, June 14th, 2004
4:30 pm - So tired...
Something about me? Perhaps? Collapse )
I don’t know. I thought I should put up something about it, and at the same time try out this Lj cut. So, two reasons? Good enough.

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3:53 pm
Got this test from (lets see if I can do this link properly) lindalee_

How to make a stolen_grace

1 part intelligence

3 parts self-sufficiency

3 parts beauty
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Serve with a slice of fitness and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

*Falls over laughing*
Hmm. Actually, these things are rather depressing.
Must not do any more quizzes, or memes, or personality tests of any kind.

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Sunday, June 13th, 2004
4:21 pm - Addiction, obsession?
Just for a change, I decided to do some more despairing.
You only live life once. Time waits for no man. If you don’t do it now, you never will.

And what am I doing? Nothing.
Ok, so technically that isn’t true. I’m writing. And indeed- writing appears many times on my long list of ‘to-do’s, but not writing like this. I need to write essays, I need to write letters, I need to write poems & stories for the projects I’m working on. All these things need to be done, and soon. But no, I’m sitting here, putting thoughts to keyboard, and writing words that won’t change anything at all.
I could be painting, drawing, sketching, cooking, reading, playing... all these things I love, but the computer just draws me back, and holds my mind.

I wonder if it says anything about this in the manual for the PC?...

I wonder if I’ll ever manage to get anything done in life? Apathy and slothfulness appal me. Giving excuses irritates me. But here I am, my own worst enemy, to use a handy cliché. Get something done girl! Get up off your ass and do something constructive!

current mood: banging head against keyboard

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
7:41 pm
I despair of myself sometimes.
Finding truths in fiction is not in itself unhealthy, but when you find your whole life mapped out in a story, you do start to wonder about your sanity. When everything starts conforming to the rules of fiction in your mind- that is when it becomes dangerous. I take notice of stories, but I hope I’m not that deluded yet.
But all stories are based on fact, stories are essential to our culture, and stories survive history. There is something more important to it than simply writing for money- we all know it is rarely profitable- we need to tell stories. Everyone has a story to tell, and that springs from your experiences. Not many people get round to getting it down on paper.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Its an idea, an opinion, a little slice of philosophy perhaps, that I should sort out in my own head. It just seems easier to write it down.

On another, more sane and understandable note: The elections. Tomorrow. And I haven’t thought as much as I should on it. I suppose that could be considered a problem for the country- that people are not putting much thought into their votes, and simply voting for the same as their friends, family, or the one with the prettiest logo (I know more than one person judging by the latter of those), but I’m sure it has always been so, and the country hasn’t collapsed yet.
The only idea I’m sure about is Europe. I love the sterling, I don’t want to lose it- it’s a great currency, and more importantly, it’s ours. I have friends in other European countries, and they say the euro has done them no good whatsoever. And surely there has to be space left for inflation & deflation- how on earth would we get on without it?! Or is Brussels trying to make an uber-country, where we all conform and are equal in everything? That certainly won’t work.
I really aught to find out more about all this- what advantages has the EU brought to Britain? I haven’t found many… This needs some thought, but I have things to do, and one evening to learn up on these policies. Looks like tomorrow will just be a random vote for me…

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Friday, May 28th, 2004
5:23 pm - Leaving for Good
Do we undo everything, or do we learn from it all, and keep it safe?
I get the impression that I’m held to the past by a thread, and that any day now someone is going to come along with a big pair of scissors. Worse still- I think I know who.
Things are over for a while- A few things I regret not doing, but on the whole, I’m glad to be away from it all. Things won’t be the same again, ever. A scary thought. When life starts to move, you have to run to catch up. I should start running, really...
But still- things I wish I had done, got round to. People I wish I’d been able to talk to, and get to know more about- though a couple of chats at the last minute make the whole situation a little better. At least I talked, at least I can be sure they know I exist now.
It doesn’t seem as though it is over... But it is.
It really, finally is. And I have to grow up, move on, and forge a new world for myself.

current mood: drained

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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
3:40 pm
The world is so strange. I am forever being caught up in stories- everything is a story; and stories follow rules. I don't know how people survive without a little imagination. My father does not seem to have even the tinyest amount, he cannot understand things such as fiction, symbolism, magic, anything that has no scientific value. If art does not depict real life, as accurately as possible, then the artist has failed. You can imagine it can get quite stressful constantly being told you are not doing well- my art is very rarely about real life.
But then again, what is real? I'm slipping into the Labyrinth again. Or at least- have been doing so for the past half year since Zephiah abandoned this Lj. No doubt I'll turn mad like the rest of my mothers line, slip into my own world someday and not return.
I think I should be worried about that. Perhaps.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, May 20th, 2004
7:36 pm - Arty Arty mixing up my life...
The exam topic seemed a great subject- "ritual". I could have twisted that into anything I wanted. And I have lots of ideas and experience with ritual, it could have been great...
But no.
Who is obsessed? Me.
Because out of all the wonderous ideas possible, I chose labyrinths.
Hardly even realising at the time. And of course, I can't relate it to the film in any way- that would be far far far too obsessive.
Labyrinths as a topic actually emerged naturally from my exploration of 'ritual'- I can't even remember how now.
...Brown cow.
My head is all befuddled and confused. Probably due to the exams fast approaching from the east...

Getting back to the topic, THE topic, I have been reading far too much fanfic of late. I've always been interested in symbolism and the meaning behind things- in fact, that is what most of my art is about. But reading so many interpretations of Labyrinth in such a short space of time has set my brain out of line again. Not quite on the same plane of reality as everything else.

I personally think that Labyrinth should come with a health warning. If I start writing my own fanfic, thats when you should start worrying... I'll never be rid of it then!

Or make my own labyrinth obsessive website...

Or join the David Bowie fan club...

Or start seeing labyrinth related omens everywhere.

I'd better shut up now. I'll regain my sanity after the exams.

current mood: weird

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